[birds chirping]
[radio DJ] It's six a.m. in the Quint Cities,
and there's a hint of spring in the air.
It's National Leg Brace Day,
so let's try and remember those who don't have a spring in their step,
just excruciating pain.
Here's Vanity Fare.
♪ When it's sunny in the morning ♪
♪ Over by the window, day is dawning ♪
♪ When I feel the air I feel that life is very good to me ♪
♪ You know ♪
♪ There's a sun bird on my pillow ♪
♪ I can see the funny weeping willow ♪
♪ When I feel the air I feel that life is very good to me ♪
♪ You know ♪
♪ In the sun, there's so much yellow ♪
♪ Something in the early morning meadow ♪
♪ Tells me that today you're on your way And you'll be coming home ♪
♪ Home to me ♪
Good luck, Sue.
We both know you don't mean that.
You want me to fail.
Wanted.
But I don't care anymore. I got an airline that needs me.
Well, maybe the airline can raise your kids,
be your cheerleader,
and still have sex with you when you don't shower for weeks
after getting fired on Christmas.
Hey, maybe this year they'll surprise you and fire you on Easter.
Nice, Sue. Real nice.
Frank, wait.
Before we leave like this,
is there anything you want to say to me?
Anything at all?
Breakfast sucked.
Now that's cold-blooded.
Ah!
[Redbone's "Come and Get Your Love" playing]
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
Come on. Where are you guys?
Gentlemen, make no mistake, we are about to commit a serious crime.
And to quote Benjamin Franklin,
"We must indeed all hang together
or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately."
Thanks, Bob.
Having said that, my brother-in-law Stan is an Alderman,
and if this thing goes south,
I'll have the ability to make a deal faster than all of you.
Not if I gut you like a deer first.
Okay. Okay.
Let's go over the plan to get rid of Scoop one more time.
It's now exactly 11:13.
The flight for Duluth leaves at 3:57.
I'll be there at the airport doing my snack run no later than 3:10.
[Rosie] We'll take care of Scoop.
[man] Our union contact will meet you with the means to neutralize him.
[Rosie] Once he gets the stuff to me, I'll put it in the proper hands.
[man 2] We'll mix a little cocktail for Scoop
and make the hand off.
[Pogo] And I've got the hardest job of all.
[grunting]
Steady.
[hums]
[grunts]
Here's the coffee you wanted.
I didn't ask for no bean juice.
Now, give me my bean juice!
♪ Plastic bowl A-put a lid on it ♪
♪ Mouthy gal A-put a lid on it ♪
♪ Button your lip Or I'll button it for you ♪
♪ I'll hit you Where your blouse covers it up! ♪
Pow!
The king of romance, Mr. Tommy Tahoe!
[man] You're great, Tommy!
And now for the most exciting part of our presentation:
the new invention that's gonna put this company back in the black!
- [man] Blacks? No! - [man 2] Hide the women!
I mean, restore us to profitability.
Oh, yeah.
Plast-a-Ware's flagship product for 1974 is...
The Rainbow Mug!
Made of a patented blend of 38 different space-age chemicals
that make it the only mug that changes color
to match whatever beverage you're drinking!
Ooh!
[man] You mean like clear glass?
[crowd groans]
Uh...
Shit!
Ooh. Well, thank God we didn't put that stupid mug into production.
We're making a hundred thousand of them! We're fucked!
[laughing]
What are you two smiling about?
Oh, you'll find out.
Man, I hope it's lesbian stuff.
Kevin Murphy, I know you're in there!
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit.
Kevin, I'm coming down.
It was Thursday morning, I was excited! Haircut Girl was real!
Then I came in my pants, twice!
I didn't have a shirt, then her boobs were sticking out,
and I don't know!
[sobs]
Hey, hey, hey, little man.
Take it easy. It's not your fault.
It's not?
You know, when I was your age,
my mom had this friend, Mrs. Anderson.
She was hotter than a car seat in August.
She moved like a beautiful cat that could walk on its back legs
without somebody holding its paws.
One night, she came over looking for my mom, but my mom wasn't home.
Well, one thing led to another,
and I ended up getting my first hand job
from a toll booth lady on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
That doesn't make any sense.
Once your dick gets hard, the story never makes sense.
I'm really sorry I ruined your party.
That was gonna happen one way or the other.
I've been a blind man these past few months.
I'm worried I might lose my job.
Oh, no.
It gets worse. Turns out Cutie Pie was fucking everybody.
Dudes, chicks, even Skeeball.
Well, he didn't really fuck her, she just kind of peed on him.
You might want to get a penicillin shot.
I guess the universe was trying to send me a signal.
Message received.
Just got to put my life back together.
First step is giving up drugs.
That's right. I'm going 100% clean.
Nothing.
Just whiskey and weed.
Well, I might blow a few stripes on Flag Day.
Sure, you deserve it.
Thanks, man. Well...[yawns]
Kev, I don't mean to be rude, but it's time for old Vic to hit the sack.
I haven't slept for nine days.
Okay, let me get the door.
[snoring]
I love you, Mrs. Anderson.
[Frank] Thanks for letting me take the truck one last time, Smokey.
You're a lifesaver.
Anything for you, Frank.
You're like the son I never kept.
I appreciate you helping me out,
even though if this thing works, it means I won't be able to drive for you anymore.
It's okay. You're doing the right thing.
You gotta take care of that beautiful wife of yours.
Nah, this isn't about that.
I got to get my job back.
Frank, you still got to look after those who look after you.
It's not as easy as it sounds.
Easier than losing her.
I know what I'm talking about.
I ignored my Mavis while I was building this empire.
She gave me everything
and all she asked in return was to one day take a vacation together.
See the world.
And I kept saying, "Yeah, sure. Someday, someday."
But that day never came.
And now she fucks the mailman just because he shows her postcards from overseas.
Don't pull a Smokey, Frank.
Thanks, Smokey, but I think I know what I'm doing.
I better go.
I'll never forget you.
Yes, you will....
but I appreciate it.
Don't fuck this up, Frank Murphy.
Smokey, your wife on the phone!
Tell that ho to have the mailman fetch her Rice-A-Roni!
♪ So pay me in cash ♪
♪ The IRS thinks I am dead ♪
Pow!
- [cheering and applause] - Thank you!
It's a private bank, folks.
Nothing federal about it.
Well, Sue, this is it.
Time for the world to see your genius.
Now you can go home tonight and rub your success right in Frank's face.
This isn't about him. This is for me.
There's that killer instinct.
Well, let's close out the meeting with our time-honored tradition,
a brief contractually obligated appearance by the founder of Plast-a-Ware,
Mrs. Henrietta Van Horne!
[cheering and applause]
Okay, very good. Thank you, Henrietta.
See you next year, God willing.
Tracy and Tommy, if you don't mind,
I'd like to present a new product I'm fond of.
[chuckles] This wasn't on the agenda.
Well, I know it's hard to follow
an invention as brilliant as The Rainbow Mug.
[laughter]
[man] That thing sucked!
Allow me to introduce a little thing called the Salad Tosser.
Oh!
A revolutionary new device that spin-dries wet lettuce.
[crowd] Oh!
[applause]
Well, well, well.
You don't like a man giving you the straight dope on your little thingamajig,
so you kick it to the clam upstairs.
Yep.
And to think I complimented you on your rack.
[grunting]
I am Ant-ius
and I am a fickle god!
Sucker!
Hey, Jimmy.
Well, if it isn't Bill, the compassionate pussy.
Have you come to... [mockingly] save somebody's life?
Look, Jimmy, I'm sorry for the whole hockey stick thing.
And if you want to beat me up, go ahead.
Ah!
[laughs]
Made you flinch, you freckled fairy!
[laughs nervously] That's a good one, Jimmy.
Thanks. I thought of it in the hospital.
You know, you didn't have to take me to the emergency room like that,
but you did.
You would've done the same if it was me.
No. I'd let you die in the street.
And then I'd move your body so it looked like you were blowing yourself.
And then I'd sell tickets to anybody who wanted to see a dead kid blowing himself.
You and me are okay now, Murphy.
Just don't piss me off again.
Or some weirdo's gonna be jerking off to your corpse.
I won't, I swear.
Thanks, Jimmy. I'll see you around.
Who's that?
That's the dickweed who took me to the doctor.
Thanks for saving my brother.
[stutters] You're welcome.
- What are you smiling at? - Nothing!
Get away from the window, Bridget!
Blow it out your ass, you fucking splooge socket!
[groans]
Your lettuce doesn't have to "romaine" soggy anymore.
[chuckles] You can "leaf" the drying to the Salad Tosser.
[cheering and applause]
- [woman] I love you! - We did it!
You did it!
[crowd chanting] Henrietta!
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Tell us, Henrietta, how did you come up with this brilliant invention of yours?
Well, it's an amazing story.
I can't take credit for it.
Chin up, tits out, Sue. It's your time to shine!
God gave me the idea when my washing machine broke down!
[gasps]
That resonates!
You should have seen the first prototype I built in my garage.
- Oh, my God. She's stealing it. - Not necessarily.
My husband, Frank, wanted to put it through a wall!
Oh, yeah. She's stealing it.
[Tracy] The Salad Tosser, I always liked it!
That's it for this year, folks!
Put your party pantsuits on, girls! We did it!
- How could you? - How could I what?
You took credit for my idea.
Oh, dear sweet Sue.
Let me ask you something.
Who was Christopher Columbus' navigator?
Can you name one fucking fiddle player in Beethoven's band?
You know how many Irishmen and test monkeys died at Kitty Hawk
before those two derby-wearing dickheads had the balls to get on that thing?
Every moment in history needs a name.
And I'm that name.
So, wipe that kicked, puppy dog look off your face.
The Salad Tosser is mine now.
- You won't get away with this. - We will take you to court.
Of course you won't.
You invented it while you were working for Plast-a-Ware,
so Plast-a-Ware owns the idea.
And I am Plast-a-Ware.
Here, celebrate our success.
But not too much. I need you to come in tomorrow with five new ideas
and we'll see what sticks.
[cheering and applause]
[Henrietta laughs]
Oh, my God.
[man] Come on, hurry up.
Have fun in Duluth, Scoop.
Don't forget your Me-Paper, you racist fuck.
Now all we have to do is wait for Dunbarton to realize
he's got no one to run baggage on the busiest day of the month.
Except for Frank Murphy,
who will just happen to be here, filling the rubber machine.
And we'll tell Dunbarton you're the only man
who can pull this airline out of the shitter.
And I will back you up all the way.
Thanks, Bob. I know you're taking a big risk for me.
It's way overdue, Frank.
I should've stuck up for you when that miserable prick fired you on Christmas,
because that's what friends do.
They stick by each other, through thick and thin.
No matter what.
There's our hero.
[blows kiss]
Love you, Frank.
Packed you a lunch, working man.
Honey, I'm proud of you!
We're a team, Frank. And I need you now more than ever.
You're the only person I can turn to and...
[snoring]
When have I ever disappointed you?
Just a quick loan, honey.
You can do whatever your heart desires as long as you're home by 3:00.
I'm getting a hernia supporting you.
The old...[nagging sound]
Blah, blah, blah!
Frank, wait.
Before we leave like this, is there anything you want to say to me?
Anything at all?
[Pogo] That's the kind of friend I want to be from now on, Frank. What do you say?
You miserable fucking asshole.
Thanks a lot, fucker!
I pour my heart out to you and this is...
No, Bob, not you! Me!
Guys, I'm sorry. I got to go see Sue.
I can't do this thing with you.
Can't do this? You just did do this!
Motherfucker, we just drugged a vegetable and stuffed him in the bottom of a plane!
I know, and I'm sorry.
We can't make this go away! It's a Class-A felony.
- Not in Texas. - Hey!
What y'all doing here?
- Airport stuff. - Nothing. Nothing.
We were just leaving. It's okay.
No, it's not okay. You're messing with our hijacking!
[hijacker] Everybody put your motherfucking hands up!
No, no. No, no, no, no! You can't do this today!
They're not supposed to do it any day.
If anyone asks, a Puerto Rican put Scoop on that plane.
[slurring] How did we not see that coming?
We were so blind!
Fucking lettuce!
[grunts]
Get out of the street, lady!
You get out of the street, lady!
That's it, Sue. Get all those feelings out now.
That way it'll be easier for you to go back to work tomorrow.
I can't go back there.
That would be humiliating.
Day after day, knowing what they did to me,
everybody looking at me like I have a fatal disease.
"Oh, poor Sue.
They stole your idea.
Now go get us some fucking ham sandwiches, hold the mustard."
Well, would your husband dying make things better?
[reporter] The fifth hijacking this week is taking place in our own backyard.
The hijackers claim to be members
of the Black Liberation Alliance for Black Liberation or BLABLA.
Oh my God!
This is the FBI!
Release those hostages and surrender now!
Fuck you! No way!
We demand $10 million
to help out my forgotten brothers and sisters in Detroit!
And Oakland!
Sorry, man. We got to cut bait on Oakland.
[whimpers]
We do not negotiate with terrorists!
[sighs] This is why I don't come to your fucking house on Sunday.
[phone ringing]
Hello? Hey, Mom.
- How'd your thing go? - Are we millionaires now?
[slurring] Your father's in danger.
I need you to find somebody to drive you to the TV store and pick me up.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine, honey!
My mom's drunk and I need a ride to go get her!
Take my horse, partner.
All four hundred of them.
Seriously?
I'd drive you myself,
but giving up a gram a day of cocaine habit isn't as easy as it sounded
when I was on cocaine.
[moaning]
We have a bomb in this suitcase, and we will use it!
I'm the CEO of the airline.
Let me talk some sense to these people.
What are you fucking animals doing on my airplane?
Mr. Dunbarton, no!
Murphy?!
What the hell are you doing here, you shamrock-shitting pen-hoarder?
Fucking up my life, sir!
This is your last chance.
You've got ten seconds to give up or we're storming the plane.
Then you've got seven seconds before I blow this whole place the fuck up!
Well, then we'll do it in five.
This ain't Name That Tune, motherfucker!
I'm gonna start shooting hostages one at a time.
Go ahead. Say your prayers.
No, I don't think so.
Frank, what the fuck?
Buddy, if you shot me now, you'd be doing me a favor.
- My wife hates me...for good reason. - [crowd gasps]
I haven't been there for her.
The only right decision I ever made was marrying that woman.
And I spent the last two months throwing it all away.
- Oh, Frank. - Who the fuck is this guy?
This morning she gave me one last chance to fix things.
I should have said I was sorry,
that I think she's a great woman,
a wonderful mother,
and an absolute animal in the sack.
But I blew it.
I'll tell you what. Let all these other people go.
They've actually got something to live for.
As for me? I deserve a bullet.
So, go ahead. Just shoot me.
- Frank! - Dad!
Jesus Christ! You fucking shot me!
Anybody moves, the next one is in his head!
Somebody do something!
[groans]
Get ready to go in. Forty percent survival rate is acceptable.
Hey! How did this plane get in my apartment?
[grunting]
- That's my nephew! - Sweet Jesus!
Those butchers are already maiming hostages!
You dirty trickers!
- Give me sleepy coffee! - Ah, shit.
Time to call my brother-in-law.
No hair dryers on the tarmac!
[man] The bomb!
Ah!
[reporter] This is simply incredible.
A courageous Mohican employee is taking on the hijackers single-handedly.
This is the most heroic thing this reporter has ever seen
since I reported on my own reporting of the Vietnam War.
Huh?
[cheering]
Thank you, baseball fans!
Re-segregate now! It's what white god wants!
[all groan]
Let's get those people off that plane!
- FBI! - Keep your hands where I can see them!
- [Roger] Murphy! - Ah, shit.
You accidental ejaculations
thought you could get rid of my nephew by stashing him on a plane?
He's a Dunbarton! Your genetic superior!
[chanting] Scoop!
I will see you rot in a dungeon
and your children will make my underwear in a Cambodian sweatshop!
And I will wear it once, throw it out, and demand more!
[singing]
Holy shit.
[gasps]
Mr. Dunbarton.
[gurgling]
Fucking idiot!
Holy shit.
- Holy shit! - Sweet Jesus!
I think Dunbarton would have wanted us to take the rest of the day off.
- Frank! - Sue?
Ah!
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
I'll be fine. It went right through.
And I did kind of ask for it.
I know. I heard everything you said.
Oh. Yeah, I don't think I was making a whole lot of sense.
I knew exactly what you meant. And it was beautiful.
- Daddy! - Dad!
Hey, guys! I'm sorry you kids had to see that.
Yeah, that was really fucked up.
Yes, it was.
And it's gonna hurt for a while.
But here's how you deal with it:
you just shove it down.
Keep shoving till it goes away.
It will try to come back up, but just keep shoving it down.
But his face was...
I know, princess, just keep shoving.
We'll take you for ice cream.
- I love you. - I love you too.
- Gross! - We're in love.
No, Dad, you're covered in blood!
Well, so were you when I first saw you.
Honey, I'm so sorry things went sour for you today.
No. Shh. That's not important now.
Yes, it is.
That old broad didn't deserve you.
Your next invention will be even better.
Whatever you want to do, I will support you one thousand percent.
Thank you, sweetie.
And you didn't have to go to the pawn shop and buy this old thing back.
I sure as hell did.
And I'll never lose sight of it again.
But it cost $250.
It was worth every penny of what I traded it for.
What the fuck?
[Bill] What are we supposed to watch now?
- [Frank] Watch each other! - Such a dick!
They'll be fine.
Maybe Maureen will teach Kevin to read.
Frank, it feels like we have a chance at a new start.
The kids are getting older now and they're not gonna need us as much anymore.
You could go back to college.
And you could take flight lessons.
Maybe I will.
Come here, beautiful.
Oh, Frank.
Latex, my dear?
[Sue] Ooh, I smell cherries.
One, two, three, baby!
Baby! Baby! Baby! Baby! Baby!
[Paul Anka's "Having My Baby" playing]
[man] ♪ And you're having my baby ♪
[woman] ♪ I'm a woman in love And I love what it's doing to me ♪
[man] ♪ Having my baby! ♪
[woman] ♪ I'm a woman in love And I love what is going through me ♪
[man] ♪ Didn't have to keep it ♪
[woman] ♪ Oh, no ♪
[man] ♪ Wouldn't put you through it ♪
♪ You could've swept it from your life ♪
♪ But you wouldn't do it ♪
- ♪ Said you wouldn't do it ♪ - [woman] ♪ No, no, no ♪
[man] ♪ And you're having my baby ♪
[woman] ♪ I'm a woman in love And I love what it's doing to me ♪
[man] ♪ Having my baby ♪
[woman] ♪ I'm a woman in love And I love what's going through me ♪
- [man] ♪ Having my baby ♪ - [chorus] ♪ Having my baby ♪
[man] ♪ It's another way of saying How much I love you ♪
[Frank and Sue] Fuck me.